So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
