He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
