She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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