i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
