forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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