I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
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Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
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Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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