we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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