Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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