My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
