The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
