I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
