went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
