I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
