she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
