My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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