k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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