Sry I called you an 8
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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