there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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