Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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