Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
