imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize