The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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