Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i drank out of a bidet.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
