he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
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He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
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That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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