OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
