She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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