I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
