I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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