Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
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Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
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was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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