I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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