I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
