I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
