I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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