I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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