I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
There's always time for handjobs
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
