He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
