I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
