you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It's blow job season.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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