You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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