i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
