She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
