What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
