His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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