I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
