You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
