I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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