So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
