He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
