I wish my penis had an off switch
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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