bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
