But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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