I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
