Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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