wrigley field is MILF paradise
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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