i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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