DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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