I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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